Interviews Through the Time Machine
This Episode:
Disgusting Mammals
Announcer: Now, once again it is time for “Interviews Through the Time Machine.” Here is our host, H. G. Delmar.
Delmar: Today we are going to interview a Struthiomimus in his lair. Let’s stroll over to the Time Machine, put in three dimes (clink, clink, fumble, clink) and set the dial for the Mesozoic. (Delmar hums to himself, amidst violent and disturbing noises). Here we go. (Whirring, then the sound of a door opening.) We are now in the living room of Ralph the Struthiomimus. Hello Ralph, and welcome to “Interviews through the Time Machine.”
Ralph: (With an urbane accent.) My pleasure, Mr. Delmar, my pleasure.
Delmar: Ralph, would you please tell our listeners exactly what is a Struthiomimus?
Ralph: Quite simply, a Struthiomimus is a dinosaur. You know, dinosaur, the word that is synonymous with the pinnacle of evolution. The top rung on the ladder. Look around; we dominate the planet.
Delmar: Well, so…. then …. how does it feels to be number one?
Ralph: Great, great, great! Never felt better! Care for a smoke?
Delmar: (Uncertain pause.) Uh, sure. But I’ve heard that the Stegosaurus General has determined that cigarette smoking can lead to extinction?
Ralph: Get real! What does a Stegosaurus know? Their brains are in their tails! Anyway, we all gotta go sometime.
Delmar: Yeah, I suppose so. (Changing the subject.) Well, this certainly is a nice place you have here. Early American?
Ralph: Early American?
Delmar: Yes. Early American?
Ralph: We call it Late Triassic. (Suddenly startled.) Did you see that?
Delmar: What?
Ralph: Over there, in the corner. It’s one of those nasty mammals. Shoo! Shoo! Get the hell out of here!
Delmar: You don’t like mammals?
Ralph: Really? You’ve got to be kidding me! They eat eggs!
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Delmar: Eggs?
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Ralph: (Absolutely repulsed.) Little babies!!! (Flabbergasted.) And those sneaky bastards only come out at night. And they hang out in trees.
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Delmar: They hang out in trees?
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Ralph: Yeah. Trees. Like in your yard. (Suddenly distracted.) Which reminds me, I’ve got to get that Triceratops boy next door to come over and graze my yard for me. (Remembering the former point.) But what really ticks me off about these mammals is that they get hair all over the place. Just look at my smoking jacket. The wife thinks they’re cute, but I think they’re a pain in the tail.
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Delmar: Well, I must say that is quite a tail you’ve got there.
Ralph: Oh, yeah, thanks. I get it from my mother’s side. I think she was my mother. Or maybe she just happened to be standing there when I hatched. Anyway, she had a great big tail. All the boys down in the swamp always said she had a great big tail.
Delmar: Doesn’t it bother you to have them talk about your mother like that?
Ralph: Why should it?
Delmar: Well, to be truthful, I confess that I really don’t know why it should bother me. But I do know that I should be going.
Ralph: Say, why don’t you stick around. The predators up the hill captured a few monkeys. Tonight we thought we’d sit around the swamp, tear them limb from limb, and tell a few jokes.
Delmar: I’m really not hungry
Ralph: Probably just as well. Those primates are tasty, but it takes so many to fill you up.
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